Falling Head First
by Altra
Summary: Ginny's... thoughts?


  
  


Falling Head First

  
  
  
  


_I want to, I want to be someone else or I'll explode   
Floating upon the surface for   
The birds, the birds, the birds   
  
  
_

I couldn't say I quietly stared at the spot on the ground where he laughed and sauntered off with some blonde on his arm. No, I sobbed quiet loudly, falling to my knees and gasping for air as my own tears threatened to drown me.  
  
He played me for a fool, no way around it. And he didn't even have to try. I wanted so badly for him to love me. Yeah, I guess I did ask for it in a way. He never promised me anything more than acknowledgement. We talked a few times, and stupid me read into it. I figured I was great at reading between the lines, when all I was really doing was pinning what I wanted to hear to his voice. When he said 'See you around' he didn't 'forget' to add 'I hope.' What he meant was 'I feel obligated to say something in the way of a polite goodbye and I hope you catch the boredom in my voice.'  
  
He never intentionally touched my fingers just to send chills up them. No, he'd turn around and his fingers would skim mine and I'd shiver, thinking it was the most wonderful thing to ever happen to me. He never meant to have little Ginny Weasley fall in love with him.  
  
I guess I just wanted to be loved. It didn't matter if Harry Potter or Draco Malfoy said they loved me. So long as someone did. But both of them had me telling them I loved them. Harry was sympathetic, Draco amused. No, that isn't even the right word. It's more like giddy…hysterical. He thought it was simply delicious that I was in love with him.   
  
I know I'm not really in love with either of them. I know it. I just want that feeling, you know? The stuff of fairy tales. Honestly, what person doesn't want to live a in fairy tale? It's a pity they were all fake lies. If any of that stuff ever happened to anyone, I'd be so amazed, so hopeful. If it could happen to them, why not me, you see? But it can't happen to them because they don't exist. Their stories are false and their names creations of bored mother.  
  
Even love seems fake. People marry in love, oh yes, but then they divorce. It seems either people jump the gun with marriage or think 'maybe later.' I don't ever want to end up alone. I don't even want to be alone now and I'm what, sixteen? I'm pathetic. Horribly pathetic. I want love more than anyone ever has. Maybe it's just because everyone else seems to have it. Even Harry. Especially Harry. It hurts when your first love finds a new love before you do. It hurts even worse when they weren't even in love with you in the first place.  
  
It doesn't matter, though. I don't love Harry anymore. I don't, I know it. I can barely stand to look at him. He hurt me deeply, and I won't ever forgive him. But Draco...  
  
I feel I've played the part of naïve child falling for the bad guy on campus pretty well, but he hasn't played his; he's supposed to fall in love with _me_. That's half the appeal. He is supposed to love me. Not her. Not some random girl he chooses because she's perfect. Why do people say no one is perfect? She so obviously is; from her perfect skin to her perfect hair to her perfect clothes...  
  
She has the right amount of bitch to put one on edge, but the touch of sweetness to make her someone you _want_ to be friends with. Maybe he just wants a pretty little thing on his arm.  
  
Why couldn't I be that pretty little thing?  
  
No, no, this is wrong. I'm not the one who's backwards; it's him. He's vain and shallow. He's skin deep, through and through. There is nothing hiding there, and there never will be.  
  
And I'll be damned to admit I'm in love with him twice.  
  
  


_You want me, well fucking well come and find me   
I'll be waiting with a gun and a pack of sandwiches   
And nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing  
  
  
_I stood up, sniffling and choking on the last of my sobs. I grit my teeth and smiled to myself. I won't ever let anyone hurt my like this again. I won't ever fall in love again. I can promise that. I can promise.  
  
No one will ever have enough proof, enough heart, enough feeling to make me feel. No one will ever unfreeze me, hurt me, cause me pain. _He_ will not have the satisfaction. He will not have the glory of having a lap dog. I won't allow him to have it. No, he can fall in love with me. Fall to hard and so deep, that I will be the only thing he cares about. Not his money, not his family, not Harry, not quid ditch, not _anything_. Nothing but me. His life will be in my hands. His heart under my feet.  
  
I smirked to myself, making for the doors. I would break his heart, rip his soul apart. My fingernails would be stained red in the too-red blood of his heart as I watched it stain his too-blonde hair. His heart would be beating in my palm. Not literally, of course. No, my journey will promise him nothing but pain and heart ache.  
  
It's a beautiful life.  
  
I almost felt bad for him, knowing what was coming, and how nothing could spare him from the pain. I almost laughed aloud. I wouldn't ever be the one crying again. I wouldn't ever be the one in love again. I would never be on the losing side of love. Never.  
  
But as I swore it to myself as I threw the doors to Hogwarts open, I felt a tiny corner of my mind shriek and char to ashes.  
  
Ashes to ashes.  
  
  
_You want me, well, come on and break the door down   
You want me, fucking come on and break the door down   
I'm ready   
I'm ready   
I'm ready   
I'm ready   
I'm ready  
  
  
_____

A/N:...Yes, I know, Draco belongs with Ginny. This is, however, a one shot. Maybe they get together later, I do not know. "Talk Show Host" by Radiohead is featured on the 'Romeo + Juliet' soundtrack. Very, very good track, band and movie. ^_^ 


End file.
